When I was young, I never thought about needing permission from the world to sing or play guitar, I just loved to. As I got older and started to play in a band, I experienced a healthy self-criticism that inspired me to work at my craft. But it wasn't until I got serious about music that my self-criticism began to get unhealthy. I remember in my mid-twenties, when I was asked what I did for a living, and I replied, “Music,” I immediately felt the pressure of proclaiming to the world that I thought I was good enough.
It was both good and bad.
Good because I was owning what I wanted to do, and bad because now I opened myself up for the whole world to criticize me. Music was my teacher, giving me my highest highs and lowest lows. Proclaiming I was a musician ripped me open, and I was dogged by a nagging, constantly skeptical voice asking, "Am I good enough?” At the time, I started seeing a therapist. I needed permission from someone to pursue music, because I wasn’t getting it from myself or my family. My grandfather loved to sing, but I was the first person I knew in my extended family claiming to be an artist. In my family, being an artist meant being irresponsible. The message in their comments: Who do you think you are? Or, that’s nice but what are you really going to do with your life?
Our culture can be an unhealthy place to be for those of us who have the courage to be vulnerable enough to risk and show publicly their creativity. In Brené Brown’s 2012 Ted Talk, she begins with the subject of vulnerability, but quickly states, “If we're going to talk about vulnerability, we first need to understand shame.” To understand and overcome shame, I find it’s important to understand the difference between shame and guilt. Guilt says, “I did something bad.” Shame says, “I am bad.”
How do you identify shame?
Shame is the thing you don’t want anyone to know about you. Sometimes shame feels like your flaw, your shadow, your soft spot. The spot that when someone touches it, it triggers a reaction in you. It’s like when you’re just about to get on stage, and somebody makes a comment you don’t understand. It can be about almost anything when you are in that vulnerable pre-show headspace. You make up a story in your head about it, and you’re up on stage totally distracted. After the gig, you start to think to yourself: “There goes another missed opportunity. Am I ever going to get this right?”
Unless you’re a sociopath, most people have a sense of shame. Shame is a normal feeling when it’s appropriate to the situation. Most of us have different levels of shame that live within us. There is appropriate or healthy shame, and there is toxic shame. Excess or toxic shame is often the root of most anxiety and depression. For example, when you finish a challenging performance, appropriate shame might say: “I need to work on a few things that could be better.” Toxic shame says: “I just totally embarrassed myself again! I’m a totally fucking joke and everyone knows it! How long can I keep this facade up?”
Why would it be helpful to understand shame?
Shame is a part of us, but it’s not the whole of who we are. Often, we excessively shame ourselves and give the shaming voice too much power. Shame is often the voice in our head that says you're not good enough to be here, or who do you think you are? In my experience, in general life, people — and the audience — are rooting for you. They want you to inspire them. They want to have an authentic experience rather than perfection. When we give too much power to the part of us that shames, the shaming part strengthens. The true critic, and often the harshest one, is therefore in our head, dominating our thoughts and draining our energy.
But the good news is, that if it’s in our head, we have the opportunity to challenge those voices, rather than identify with the shame. If I understand what I’m saying to myself, then it’s possible to have a different relationship with that voice. Understanding and naming our shame is the first step toward experiencing the freedom that helps us contest the voice of the critic.
In IFS (Internal Family Systems), we call this critical voice a protective part. It is important to understand that all of your parts are trying to be helpful, even though they can become overprotective and prevent us from getting what we want. IFS believes that there is an inner wisdom inside us all that can help us navigate these parts. What a relief to know that the critical voice is only a part of you that doesn’t believe it’s not good enough! Recognizing that can be supremely empowering. If you can acknowledge that the critical part is trying to be helpful, it gives you an opportunity to have a different perspective about what that part is doing to you. One strategy we employ in counseling is to work with the part and ask it if it would be willing to be less protective and allow you to experience share your hard work and joy.
What is radical acceptance?
I first became aware of the idea of inner wisdom when I read Eckart Tolle's book, A New Earth. In it he asks, “If we observe that there are different parts in us, what is observing the parts?” And then he answers: inner wisdom. In IFS, we call the inner wisdom “the Self” with a capital S.” What is important about discovering the Self is knowing you have something within you that defines you more than your parts.
One way of understanding or accessing your Self is through a concept, or skill, called radical acceptance. “Radical acceptance” means tolerating something without judging it or trying to change it. You observe your thoughts rather than judge or criticize them. Observation helps us to adopt a subjective viewpoint, allowing room to identify when we are making critical-thinking errors about ourselves. This is important, because when you’re judging yourself, you’re not paying attention to what’s happening in the moment. Like when you’re saying to yourself: “I just can’t get out of my own head,” you could say: “ Every moment is a new opportunity to be fully present, just breathe and listen!” Some performances you have to accept and submit to what is. Stop trying to change it, just keep coming back to breathe and listen, breathe and listen.
Radical acceptance is similar to mindfulness, and can be an important tool to discovering the Self, and overcoming toxic shame. For me, the discovery of Self was an immensely helpful tool to access my true authentic self. I found the Self doesn’t criticize or judge. Self-led energy can see the part that feels “not good enough” and knows how to heal that part. When “not good enough” has its needs met, the rest of me can get on with experiencing the fullness of my life and music. “Not good enough” is just a part. If it’s just a part, it’s not the whole, and I deal with that part without it sinking all of me.
It’s helpful to understand how unhealthy our culture can be to those of us who have the courage to be vulnerable enough to risk showing up. What could be more rewarding than to step on stage and experience life as our true authentic self? Performance is worth the risk, and it’s important. Why? I want to live in a world where creativity is abundant. My hope is for you to be inspired to be authentic and vulnerable, and in turn, make amazing art that inspires. There is much to learn about yourself if you have the courage to be vulnerable. As Brown says, “Vulnerability is the birthplace of creativity.”
What could be more rewarding than to step on stage and experience life as our true authentic self? To find out more about discovering your true Self, and unleashing your creativity without judgment, contact me.
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